Asking The Tough Questions Part 2: Schoolyard Rules

Everyday I read about how the government is in the divorce business. How the system is making tons of money by breaking up families, handing the moms the kids and the dads the bill. I hear how crippling the amount of child support is and how unfair the laws are. I read things like the Bradley Amendment and 42-666 and am forced to agree.

Ok so color me convinced. Now tell me how we can convince Uncle Sam and his minions to simply cease breaking up families for profit?

Rallies? Protests? Be serious. We are not talking a Million Man March here. We are talking about small groups of guys having to take a day off work to stand around waving a few banners.

Letters/phone calls to politicians? C’mon people…these are the same politicians who are taking your money. Do you think reminding them of that fact is going to somehow make them stop?

Vote against them? Well yeah you can certainly threaten them with that, in your letters of protest—problem is they know it’s an empty threat. Father’s rights groups each have their own agendas and there’s way too much infighting. Hell we can’t even agree on what to call ourselves…do you really think we can all agree on which politicians to vote for?

And even if we could… we can’t.

We are handcuffed by our non profit status. The same thing that allows us to get grants from the gov’t stops us from endorsing any politician. We are being effectively paid off and muzzled by Uncle Sam.

This is not rocket science. This is as basic as schoolyard rules. This is about bullies taking our lunch money ‘cause they know we can’t hit back. Our hands are tied by a lack of numbers a lack of unity and our 501 c3 status.

As a child I attended an inner city public school. I was naïve and innocent. My well meaning parents had sheltered me from the realities of the street.

So when the first kid in my class shoved me I did not shove back. Others noticed. Pretty soon the shoves became slaps and the slaps became a daily shakedown for my lunch money.

My parents complained to the school, which accomplished nothing since most of these attacks were unseen or off school property. The kids were warned to leave me alone.

All that did was further incite these little punks and they started breaking my glasses as an incentive for me to keep my mouth shut.

So my parents decided to tell these kids parents, not realizing that many of them came from abusive homes with parents who actually encouraged their kids to earn their lunch money by shaking down the weaker kids.

Ironically I wasn’t one of the weaker kids in my class; in fact I was actually one of the strongest. I just didn’t know how/when to hit back.

My parents love me, and they certainly meant well. But all their protests and angry letters did was cause me even more beatings.

This continued until one day when a kid made the mistake of implying that my mother was shall we say promiscuous, and I finally hit back. Hard. Knocked the kid on his ass and left actual dents in his face. (He later tried to blame the dents on rings, but everyone knows I don’t wear jewelry.)

Other kids noticed. And just like that I was no longer picked on. Because bullies are just cowards who prey on those who can’t or won’t fight back.

It’s a lesson I have carried with me my whole life. Because I have learned that in any situation there are always going to be those people who try and take advantage of others. Who mistake kindness for weakness.

For over 30 years the lawmakers, politicians, judges, lawyers, women’s special interest groups etc. have been kicking our asses and taking our lunch money. Hell they also take our breakfast and dinner funds too and call it child support.

Worst of all they steal our children from us and have the balls to say they are doing so “for the best interest of the child.”

Cripes, I’ll say this much for the punks who stole my lunch, at least they were honest about their intentions as they sat down in front of me and ate it.

Thanks to Dr Mark Klein (who paid for a bunch of us to attend The Leadership Institute) I have learned a few things about politics.

One of the things that really sank in was how minority groups can manage to be so influential. Using the gay & lesbian community as an example. He (one of our host/speakers) said what makes that group truly a political force is the fact that they are very well organized, and perhaps most importantly they vote on issues. Not candidates, not party lines—but the issues that that are key to their cause.

We were taught that it’s actually a small percentage of people who even bother to vote. And out of that small percentage you have many people who are going to vote strictly along party lines regardless of who is on their party’s ballot.

So it’s those few people who are left, the ones who do intend to vote but are on the fence about who to vote for whom political advisors target. Especially in tight, hotly contested races, because in places where a few thousand or even a few hundred votes can mean the difference between being elected or being unemployed—these people are the swing votes who can actually decide the race.

We need to unite; we need to form a strong PAC. We need to figure out where these tight races are, where these politicians, judges etc. are most vulnerable. We need to target these swing votes, and start effecting elections in ways that benefit us.

Right now our efforts are simply too random, we are all over the place. And what are we accomplishing?

A few seconds on a local news station? A few lines in a local newspaper?

Do you honestly think we are making a lasting impact?

But imagine the impact we could make if we worked together as a cohesive unit, if we put aside our differences to fight our common enemy (the system) if we had a strong PAC and focused all our efforts where they can truly make a difference.

I say we start small. We focus on a judge or local official who meets two simple criteria:

1) He/she is not at all interested in equality for both parents in custody cases and has an opponent who is and 2) He/ she is in a tight race for reelection.

Tight enough that a wave of phone calls, emails etc. to local residents could cause someone to lose just a few points with the voters.

Tight enough that a bunch of us descending on said town dressed as superheroes & carrying picket signs could move just enough people off the fence to swing an election.

That day I stood up for myself and hit back was the last day anyone ever took my lunch money. I didn’t have to fight every kid who had picked on me, hitting one sent the message loud and clear that I could and would hit back if forced too.

But we’re not even talking about lunch monies here-- these bastards are taking our children and sending us the bill for it. They have been doing so with impunity for several decades now.

So our game plan needs to radically change.

We need to get smart. We need to help a few people get into and out of public office. We need to swing a few close elections.

And in doing so, send the message that we are united, that there is a price for stealing our children, and that price is an early retirement from public office.

My only question is why aren’t we already actively doing this? Why are so many of the so called leaders of the father’s rights movement unable to see the simple logic of this?

And please don’t tell me that uniting the various groups is a lost cause—anyone whose fighting for father's rights obviously doesn’t believe in the no win scenario or they’d have gotten out long ago.

I look around and I see some of our so called leaders claiming we are making progress. I see some of the larger groups claiming to have over 10,000 members and growing.

Ok now pay attention class. Having a bunch of small father’s rights groups claiming to be an affiliate of a much larger one is unity on paper only.

Seeing new fathers rights groups form is not necessarily progress. Especially if they are really just a group who splintered off from a larger one so they could have their own acronym.

Note; just because you can string together a bunch of letters that collectively form an acronym—does not mean you must feel compelled to do so.

The Boise United Men Fighting Unfair Child Kustody or B.U.M.F.U.C.K might look great on a bumper sticker but no one is gunna know (or care) what it stands for.

Its time to start pushing the so-called leaders of some of these groups to face reality and unite. It’s time to put aside egos and ideological differences. It’s time to worry less about what the best acronym is and worry more about how to effectively influence those who stand between us and our kids.

Can you imagine trying to coach a group like this? Having a quarterback who won’t throw the ball because he wants to keep it for himself. An offensive lineman who won’t block because he doesn’t agree with the half backs style of running. Throw in a few defensive ends who refuse to sack the quarterback because they fear it might be too controversial and a kicker who won’t punt because he feels doing so sends the wrong message –and ya pretty much have our current father’s rights movement.

Why is it so damn near impossible to get these various groups to unite? I mean none of us are in this for profit…right??? None of us are making money off the suffering of non custodial parents…right???

And we can all agree (I hope) that the important thing here is the best interest of the children and that the best parent is both parents. I assume we can also agree that the child support system is corrupt and the states are getting rich off dads who have become little more then ATM’s with feet.

Parental alienation is bad….

A presumption of joint custody is good….

And so on and so on.

We need to agree to sit down and come up with a list of things we can all agree on like the things I have listed above, we need to build on that. We need to understand we aren’t going to agree on everything, and we need to agree to disagree. We need to compromise and find a middle ground between groups that are afraid to even say father’s rights and others who want to spray paint those words on the side of the fricken space shuttle for all to see.

We need to be able to offer those who join in our fight one well organized group to belong to, with clearly defined intentions and a well thought out plan to achieve them.

We wonder why more dads don’t get involved. Don’t join us in fighting for our kids. Well honestly—what exactly do we have to offer them? A t-shirt? A coffee mug? Perhaps an AA style support group so they can listen to other dads vent about how unfair the system is? Of course there’s also the endless articles, blogs, books etc. that talk about how screwed up the family court system is and how it screws up your kids (as if they somehow need to be reminded of that.)

Hey maybe we can even throw in a few lessons on how to file a motion pro se?

That way when their appeals almost inevitably get turned down—well at least they can say they dotted the I’s and crossed the T’s.

Yes, half the problem is getting more non custodials to join.

But the other half?

That’s giving them something that’s actually worthwhile to join…..

P.S. Here’s something that a united front could help make happen right away; a link some of you may not have noticed http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18826755/ please spread it around to everyone you know and ask them to write down a summary of their own stories. I would also ask that you guys all mention Dr. Klein in there as well as both a champion of our cause and Presidential candidate. That can only help get their attention.

Non-Custodialy yours,
Joe Carruba


(Please note that since I belong to so MANY non-custodial online groups, it will be impossible for me to receive daily updates from each, so if you wish for me to see your response (and be able to answer it) please post it in the comment section of this blog or send me a copy of your reply by emailing me directly at thesaint_959@yahoo.com and please be sure to let me know which forum you saw &replied to this in...thanks.)