The Touchdown Mentality

Talking to other father’s rights advocates is often a history lesson. No one seems to agree on when the movement started, but most seem to agree it’s been around 25-30 years or so.

There’s also disagreement over how much progress (if any) has been made in that time. Most don’t want to admit the obvious, that during those years we have regressed. No one wants to say it because it sounds like an indictment of those who did the fighting all those years. But it’s really not. Unless of course you are someone who “sold out.”

IE: You originally started a group to fight for dad’s rights but ended up padding your pockets and making a name for yourself but accomplishing little else. Then yes consider this an indictment of your character (or utter lack of) you are a disgrace to the movement, and instead of a gold watch, should be retired with a blindfold and cigarette.

But to those who fought the good fight for 10, 20 even 30 years…you should be proud of yourself. On the surface it may seem you accomplished nothing, but the truth is you have all helped lay the foundation for future victory. Even your mistakes are helpful if we (the current generation of advocates) are smart enough to learn from them.

Many people credit our loss in Vietnam for our easy victory in Desert Storm. Sadly our gov’t seems to have once again ignored history in its attempts to deal with Iraq this time around. But I’m not going to even go there.

I think one of (if not our biggest) problem, has been (and continues to be a lack of unity) but how can we unite under one flag if we can’t even agree what that flag should stand for?

Part of the problem is what I call the “touchdown mentality” (more on that later.)

It’s like you have this dad, and he ends up losing his wife, his kids, his house, his car etc. He is angry and hurt or just plain in shock.

Maybe deep down he still loves his wife. But she has already shacked up with Enrique the pool boy. This clown is living in a house you paid for, sleeping in your bed with your (ex) wife and your kids are even starting to call him daddy.

You still love your kids of course, but you’ll be damned if your gunna help pay for your wife to take salsa lessons with Enrique, especially since there is absolutely no guarantee that your ex will actually spend any of the money you give her on your kids.

Not that she even needs the money (people with pool boys are already well off.) Plus (unlike anything else in life that you pay for) paying your child support does not guarantee you visitation let alone custody. You stand their in furious disbelief. You had this crazy idea that anything in life you pay for is yours. But you watch helplessly as some Poor Man’s Matlock essentially carjacks your kids while his black robed accomplice traumatizes your paycheck so badly you have to send it for rape counseling.

But fear not (seeing you in trouble) the $200 an hour legal bodyguard you hired springs into action. He tells your ex’s lawyer that the courts can’t make you sell blood to pay your support because you are anemic, and they will simply have to settle for whatever is left of your paycheck after taxes. He also informs your ex’s lawyer in no uncertain terms that he has to reschedule their scheduled golf game next week because he is having brunch that day at the judge’s house. As he exits he hands you a bill in advance of your next beating. You begin to realize these bozo’s are all working together, getting rich separating you from your kids and you need some form of outside help.

Sound familiar?

When I lost my daughter one of the first things I did was to start google-ing for help. I found thousands of father’s rights groups, forums, chats etc. located here in the US and abroad, and my very first thought was “Oh Lord they are not even organized yet.”

There were (and are) some fairly large groups. Mostly though I found groups boasting all of 3 members with names like the Boise United Men Fighting Unfair Child Kustody or B.U.M.F.U.C.K (USA)

As I browsed such groups I found that many of the links were dead. Others were lawyers claiming to be father’s rights advocates in an obvious attempt to scare up some business.

Damn vultures.

The rest were mostly dads (and moms) pleading for help and/or recounting their individual horror stories. It was disheartening to see so many messages in the (internet) bottle. But at least it told me I wasn’t alone in this fight.

I also found a plethora of information and resources non-custodial parents were attempting to share with each other.

I say attempting because there was so much of it flying around, that it felt like trying to discern one conversation while sitting in the mist of 100. We are stepping on each other people. Our voices are drowning each other out. We need to get our message out not just to others who have lost their kids, but to the general public as well. And we need to get organized.

IE; I must receive (in my email box) a dozen posts a week on PAS. If I read one more posting on PAS (Paternal Alienation Syndrome) I will wish to be awarded a certificate as an expert on the subject.

I mean ok I get it; many custodial parents are brainwashing their children against their former spouse’s.

And we certainly need to fight against that. Just as we need to fight against bias in custody cases, abuse of protection orders and child support laws that leave men to broke to possibly fight back against all of the above.

My problem is, many individuals and groups seem to want to focus primarily on just ONE of these issues. Which to me makes about as much sense as a bunch of firefighters deciding they are going to save one house and let the rest of the neighborhood burn to the ground.

Now I am not saying any of you should stop fighting these individual battles.

But our biggest focus should be uniting all the groups out there large and small, because uniting is our best and only hope of putting an end to all the individual issues listed above and more.

This is not rocket science folks. This is common fricken sense.

But I think before we can even seriously talk about uniting we need to make sure we are all on the same page. And right now we can’t even agree on what to call a father’s rights group, let alone what one should stand for.

For instance, many seem to feel the words father or dad must be included in any name we use (just as they also feel that their solution has to be THE solution.)

Others feel that including the children somewhere in the name is what’s most crucial, to remind everyone that it is ultimately our kids rights to both parents which we are really fighting for.

You know what I think is the best name for a father’s rights group?

Whichever one is the most effective. Whichever one is going to help me get my child back the fastest and help others do the same.

Now I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t love to have such a group named after moi. Almost nothing could be sweeter then being the (father's rights) running back who scores the game winning touchdown by shedding a couple of (legal) defenders and causing the ref (judge) to choke on his whistle in disbelief.

Yes we all want to be the guy who scores that touchdown. We all want to be able to spike the ball right at our ex’s feet and say “Hand over my kid NOW you crazy bitch! And while you’re at it get a job, 'cause you and the state are all done salsa dancing on my dime!”

But as enjoyable as that would be for any one of us, I am more then content to be the guy nobody even notices. The one who makes the key block to spring the running back loose so he can get into the end zone.

Sure it’s not as glamorous to be that guy, but hey all I care about is winning this insane little non-custodial super bowl we are all being forced to play in.

Because you see, right after we win I’m going to Disney World…

…and I’ll be taking my kid with me!

Non-custodially yours,
Joe Carruba


(Please note that since I belong to so MANY non-custodial online groups, it will be impossible for me to receive daily updates from each, so if you wish for me to see your response (and be able to answer it) please post it in the comment section of my blog.)