Asking The Tough Questions Part 1

You know it’s funny how I never get invited to family functions. My cousin explained it to me years ago-- why it is that I am such a black sheep. It’s because of my inability to be a “yes man.” To kiss ass. To just go along with the program and not make waves.

So why then (I asked) is it that I am usually the first one these same people call when the shit hits the fan?

“Because people trust you Joe (he answered) they know you are straight with them.”

I guess if I have to choose between being popular in this movement or being trusted…well lets just say I’m not gunna get invited to many father’s rights picnics.

I know some of you would prefer I join you in admiring the emperor’s new clothes. But when I see some guy walking bare ass down the street I’m gunna tell him to cover his fat ass or I’ll have the cops do it for him.

And I don’t care who he is or what fancy title he may carry.

Lately I find myself asking the tough questions about father’s rights, the movement et al. And I am not at all happy with the conclusions I am reaching.

I keep asking myself “Why?” Why has the father’s rights movement regressed over the past 30 years? Why are there an estimated 2000 father’s rights groups out there with an average of 5 members, instead of one large powerful organization? Why do we all keep preaching to the quire, sending each other posts about yet another dad being violated and the courts showing utter bias? (And) Why are some people so upset when I talk about uniting the many groups into just one?

This bit of soul searching leads me to wonder why anyone even bothers to keep fighting what seems like such a hopeless battle?

It’s the answer to that last question that disturbs me the most.

As I see it, there are really only 3 possible reasons why someone would stay involved long term in this movement.

1) You realize this is most likely a lost cause, but you love and miss your child/ren enough to keep fighting anyway.
2) Your nuts. A fanatic. Maybe you weren’t always that way, maybe losing your kids and getting screwed over every which way by such a corrupt court system made ya that way. But regardless of how or why; your elevator no longer reaches the top floor. Period.
3) You are in this for your own agenda. Making as much money as possible by selling memberships to your organization-- along with coffee mugs, books and t-shirts that say “Dad’s have Rights!”

Bullshit. If dad’s had any rights they wouldn’t need a friggin t-shirt ta announce it.

When I first got into this I was naïve enough to believe that it was strictly a combination of stubborn male pride, paranoia and just plain ignorance that was keeping all these various groups from uniting to fight our common enemy; the system itself.

But I have slowly been forced to recognize that there is something else at work here as well. That there are guys making large amounts of money running their so called fathers rights groups, money they would have to share (or even forfeit) if they were forced to unite with others. That is why they have no interest whatsoever in changing the status quo. That is why they tell (people like) me I am wasting my time “herding cats.”

Perhaps what they really fear is me “hurting fatcats” like themselves.

I am a big believer in the old adage “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

But that hardly applies in this case. We are losing ground and becoming more fractured every day.

Every week I must get 100 emails. Usually 1 of them is about a dad who actually won his custody/support case. The other 99 are about those who didn’t.

And if I hear one more new %^$#@! acronym for a father’s rights group I think I’m going to slap someone silly.

From now on I only wish to work with those who I consider true fathers rights advocates. Men (and women) who are in this for the right reason; the children.

Not those who are so far gone that they believe all men are great dads and all women are greedy sluts incapable of properly raising a child.

Nor will I support any group that seems content to “fight” for my rights to be with my child by routinely spouting equal rights rhetoric and asking me to donate $$$ so they can continue doing so. You guys can go rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic on your own dime.

But hey, I’m a reasonable guy. Prove to me I’m wrong here. Show me how I’m missing the big picture. How 2000 groups of 5 is better then one large group of registered voting dads.

Oh and while you’re at it, explain to me how pooling our resources is a waste of time. I mean how exactly would our suddenly being able to run national ads, organize national protests and recruit people nationwide be a bad thing?

Or better yet --how ‘bout ya explain to me (and the thousands of dads who support your little groups) How it is-- that despite the fact we are all sitting here at home wearing our “Dads Have Rights” t-shirts, sipping coffee from our “Equal Means Equal” mugs and re-reading copies of “How to Win Your Custody Battle in 5 Easy Steps”-- we are none of us closer to getting our kids back?!

This post is the first part of a series I intend to write candidly discussing the current state of the father's rights movement (as I see it) and changes I believe need to be made. I don’t pretend to be an all knowing Tony Robbins style guru on the subject. In fact I hope (if nothing else) my writings will spark debates and/or inspire others to speak up and offer their own ideas. I don’t have all the answers…but at least I’m not afraid to start asking the tough questions.

Non-Custodialy yours,
Joe Carruba


(Please note that since I belong to so MANY non-custodial online groups, it will be impossible for me to receive daily updates from each, so if you wish for me to see your response (and be able to answer it) please post it in the comment section of this blog.)